Let's Get Drunk and Do Some Shit: An Examination of Alcohol Poisoning

Let's Get Drunk and Do Some Shit

An Examination of Alcohol Poisoning

Okay, so basically I got some crazy warning notice for a little thing the "politically correct" "people" call "Alcohol Poisoning." Really, all I did was what most college students do and that is I got "fucked up." Now, before I go any further into this beautifully written literary work--of art--I'd just like to assure you, this paper is explaining alcohol poisoning like you wish, bitch, so simmer down and take a seat and I will take you on a wiiild riiide. (I swear there's no drunken sexual innuendo there, so keep your pants on.)

Now, Alcohol Poisoning, you say? Well, let's go straight to the source. The word "Alcohol" is of an Arabic origin. Trust me, I know. How do I know? Easy: see the first two letters of the word in discussion? Yea, well, they're "Al" as in the name Al, which is short for Aladdin--according to the Genie in that Disney movie--and what is Aladdin? Yes, children, you're right! He's Arabic! Neat. Okay, so what do Arabian Nights, magic carpets, Robin Williams, and topless men wearing turbans have to do with Alcohol? I'm glad you asked. See, the original story of Aladdin was a child's tale that the little children told one another--while sharing like eighty-three bottles of wine/per four children--back in the days when Mesopotamia was still a big deal. Getting back to the "cohol" part of "Alcohol," it's a mystery really. If I, the ravishing and drop dead sexy Miss Amanda--I swear I'm not conceited, really--had to guess where those last two syllables came from, I'd probably guess that someone misspelled "cohorts" once while writing something down--while probably drunk. Maybe they were transcribing Aladdin? The point of the matter is that Alcohol is poisonous and Arabic. Spitting Cobras are both of those too, right? Maybe the first alcoholic beverage consumed was cobra venom? I don't know and chances are neither do you. So just stop reading here and shred my warning notice from the files of stupid yellowy-colored papers filled out by those lame RAs--one of which I will mention later in the paper, so consider this final sentence of this paragraph a cliffhanger! (I'd wink right now if this were a speech.)

Close your eyes for a moment here. Well, maybe not right now but maybe after you're done reading this paragraph--if, of course, you can remember everything I mention here. Okay, so yes, your eyes are closed. I want you to imagine something for me. Imagine this refreshing scent: Ralph Lauren Cologne, other cheap colognes bought at Macy's, stale spilled beer, stale cigarette smoke, fresh spilled beer, fresh cigarette smoke, along with a slight hint of mildew, B. O., and the extremely faint scent of a yeast infection. Do you know where you are? Yes, you're right. You're in the basement of some Frat house--I was feeling a BU vibe on that one, but it could be basically any other sketchy Frat house basement. Point of the matter is, actually wait, and hold on a second. I need to think..................................................................................................That was a dumb exercise. I have absolutely no idea where I was going with that at all. Isn't that a nasty combination of smells though? Yea, walls are sticky too sometimes. If you wanted to imagine that type of Frat house basement, I'd probably say add the scent of semen to the mixture. Yea, I might be wrong--and kind of (really) hope I am--so if you like BU frats, it's cool. No one judges, right? Riiight. Oh, you can open your eyes now.

So I know I traced the origins of the word "Alcohol," but I totally left you hanging on the word "Poisoning." Well, "Poisoning" comes from "Poison," which I think is a good origin lesson, but I'll go more in depth for you crazy-deep thinkers. See, I just Wikipedia'd some shit and somehow ended up on this rather thought-provoking quote: "Alle Ding' sind Gift und nichts ohn' Gift; allein die Dosis macht, dass ein Ding kein Gift ist. " Don't know German? Well, it means "All things are poison and nothing is without poison, only the dose permits something not to be poisonous." But I could be completely bullshitting you and it could really be A) "I love alcohol, it is tasty, but only sometimes because some alcohols taste like shit." in German B) "Fuck this stupid assignment...etc." in German, again OR C) Complete gibberish. Actually, it isn't any of those three, it's that first translation I gave, so yea, no worries, I'm not German nor am I pulling a fast one behind your back.