Understanding That It Wasn't Your Fault

I know I was only five years old, but I was an extremely intelligent five-year-old. I should have been able to figure out a way to escape. Victims often believe they are to blame for being sexually abused. Many adult survivors continue to hold this belief. Although large numbers of children and adolescents are abused, it is never the fault of any of them.

Yet there are many reasons why survivors assume that blame. Some survivors were told explicitly that it was their fault. The abuser said: "You're a bad, nasty, dirty girl. That's why I'm doing this." "You really want this to happen. I know you do." "You're such a sexy little girl. I just can't help myself." You were punished when someone did find out. If you said anything, you may have been told you made up horrible lies. Or the subject was never discussed, giving you the message that it was too terrible to talk about. Your religion may have told you that you were a sinner, unclean, damned to hell. You may have become convinced you were unlovable, even to God. One woman said: "That little incested girl inside of me is still waiting for the lightning to strike because I told people what happened to me. If I say, 'I think it was my Dad,' I'll burn up in hell-fire." One small child was even begged by her abuser to stop him. He kept telling her how wrong it was and that she must not let him do it ever again-and then he'd force her once more.

I felt I was really evil. It's almost like those child-devil movies, like Damian. Inside this innocent little child is this evil seed. I used to think that just my presence made people feel bad and made bad things happen. I used to think that if only I did something, then everything would change. If only I got straight A's, then he would stop touching me. I felt I could control things by my behavior. No one around me seemed to be controlling anything. I still have this really warped sense of what I can do with my presence or my actions. There are also less obvious reasons. Survivors blame themselves.

It is a stark and terrifying realization for a child to see how vulnerable and powerless she actually is. Thinking that you were bad, that you had some influence on how you were treated, gave a sense of control, though illusory. And perceiving yourself as bad allowed for the future possibility that you could become good, and thus things could improve.

In truth, nothing you did caused the abuse; nothing within your power could ever have stopped it. Your world was an unsafe place where adults were untrustworthy and out of control, where your well being and sometimes your very life was in danger. This perspective, though realistic, is more distressing for many children than thinking that they were bad and somehow responsible for the abuse. For if there is no hope that the people whose job is to love and protect you would do so, where could you turn? Recognizing that you were not to blame means accepting the fact that the people you loved did not have your best interests at heart. In one workshop, a woman blamed herself because at the age of twelve she said no, and her father stopped. "Why couldn't I have done that right away, at four, when he started?" she chastised herself. "I did have the power to stop him." Another woman answered her: "I said no and my father never stopped. I fought and kicked and screamed no. But abusers don't stop because you say no. They stop when they're ready to stop. By the time you were twelve your father was ready to stop. Maybe he only liked small children. You had less control than you think."

Women blame themselves because they took money, gifts, or special privileges. But if you were able to get some small thing back, you should instead give yourself credit. One woman in a workshop was given a bicycle by her abuser. On it she was able to ride away from her house, out to the woods, and there feel the safety of the trees. She blamed herself for having taken the bicycle. Instead, she should be commended for taking what she could get in that wasteland.

BUT I WANTED TO BE CLOSE

Many survivors hold particularly shameful feelings if they needed attention and affection and did not fight off sexual advances because of those needs. Or if they sought out that affection. The closeness may have felt good to you. You may have adored your abuser. You may have loved feeling like Grandpa's special little girl. Women say, "I'm the one who asked for a back rub," or "I kept going back," or "I climbed into bed with him."

But you were not wrong. Every child needs attention. Every child needs affection. If these are not offered in healthy, nonsexual ways, children will take them in whatever ways they can, because they are essential needs.

BUT IT FELT GOOD

Although some women felt only pain or numbness when they were abused, others experienced sensual or sexual pleasure, arousal, and orgasm. Even though your experience of abuse may have been confusing, frightening, or devastating, you may also have felt some degree of pleasurable feelings.

For many, this aspect of the abuse is one of the most difficult. Some of it felt good, and ugh! It's still hard for me to talk about it. When I think back on some of the times I was close to my mother in a sexual way, where I was getting turned on, there's a lot of shame there. It feels real yucko! It feels really embarrassing. Another woman was gang-raped as a teenager and had an orgasm. "For a long time I thought it was a cruel joke that God had made my body that way. I forgot what had happened because of the shame of having liked it." When she first remembered the rape, this woman spent a night frantically skimming Voices in the Night cover to cover to see if anyone else had had an orgasm while being abused. She urgently needed to know that she wasn't the only one.

It is important to recognize that it is natural to have had sexual feelings, and that even if you had sexual responses to the abuse and those responses felt good, it still doesn't mean that you were responsible in any way. Our bodies are created to respond to stimulation. When we are touched sexually our whole physiology is designed to give you pleasure. These are natural bodily response over which we do not always have control. When we eat a sandwich, our stomachs digest the sandwich. We can't stop our stomach from digesting the sandwich. In a similar way, when we're stimulated sexually, we can' always stop our bodies from responding.

The girl or woman