A Day as a Gay

This essay is the story of my life, in a way. "A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit." Psalm 51:12

I was raised in a close, loving household and went to parochial school. When I began to experience attraction to male peers in junior high school, I didn't know what to make of the feelings. Mostly, I stuffed them down, decided this was an adolescent phase, and went along with my life.

At 13, I began to masturbate daily, often fueled by fantasies of guys in my class. I told myself this phase would pass; however, when friends in high school started dating girls, bragging of their exploits, I couldn't relate. I knew many girls who were my friends, but I'd never felt the slightest spark of romantic interest in them.

Through high school and college, I dated several girls and dutifully "made out" with a few, but never felt that "rush" I got from my attraction to men. Friends from college began to pair off, marry, and have children. I began to realize this adolescent "phase" was not going to magically vanish.

To this day, I thank God for protecting me from homosexual encounters during my college years. When I heard that someone was "gay" , I simply didn't hang around with him. Because I wasn't stereotypical, I was able to live my double life. Friends would set me up on dates with women, while I kept my dark secret of fantasizing and masturbating to myself . When I first got Internet access, I quickly discovered "gay" pornography, and my obsession worsened. While I would never have gone into an adult bookstore, graphic images were now just a mouse-click away! I was hooked and soon began surfing for hard-core pornography. I wasted hour after hour and sometimes entire weekends exploring this dark wor1d. I felt power1ess over this obsession. I began to hate myself. Spiritually, I was dead inside. It was dawning on me that before too long, pornography wouldn't satisfy me, and I'd turn to "rear" sex.

I began to search the Internet for answers. I found several ministries that promoted "orientation change" through prayer and therapy. I found sites that focused on working through possible psychological causes of homosexuality . But when I finally found the Courage site, something clicked for me. The focus wasn't on