A Day in the Life of Gandalf the Grey

A Day in the Life of Gandalf the Grey

0825 Wake up because of a digging sensation in my skull. Open my eyes to see a flock of birds around me. Time to wash my robes. Damn birds think I'm Radagast the Brown.

0835 Wash my robes in the nearby river. Some people wonder what a wizard wears under their robes. And the answer is simple. More robes.

0930 Decide to start my long journey to the White Council temporarily being held in Rivendell. I hope I don't see my cousin Poofter the Pink there. I'm naturally distrustful of anyone who gets his fingers manicured every week.

1002 Stop to take a whiz in the bushes.

1013 Realize to my annoyance that I am out of silver pennies. Head towards the nearest house to ask if they want their windows washed.

1023 Some persuading and some threatening later I finally start washing the lawn for an estranged dwarf who lives on his own. Salinger I think his name was. I'm glad he saw my side of the argument. Not every dwarf sees how being turned into a frog can effect your life.

1043 Some silver pennies later I resume my journey.

1052 Came across some trolls that have turned to stone in a clearing, very much like the one I visited all those years ago. Think about how I owe Elrond a birthday present. Chop off one of the trolls little finger. They make a good paperweight they do.

1057 Wonder why I didn't bring ShawdowFax on this trip. Decide I could make a better entrance if I rode in on him. Shout "ShadowFax to me!" at the top of my voice and let off a whistle which echoes can be heard from miles around. Won't be long till he arrives.

1103 Still waiting.

1105 Still waiting.

1108 Finally here a clippety-clop sound. See ShadowFax slowly trotting around the corner. I ask him "where the hell have you been?". He gave me a look that I think is the horse equivalent of " you try and travel half of middle-earth mate and lets see how bloody tired you are."

1116 Shadowfax is finally ready to set off. Decide to feed it some oats from a nearby field to give him a boost. Oats and moonshine.

1132 After travelling many leagues I call ShadowFax to a halt as we reach a farmer herding his cows from one field to another. As I wait I hear the sound of hooves approaching from behind. To my surprise a Black Rider pulls his horse up beside me. Damn Black Riders. Think they own this continent. I shout over to him "WANNA DRAG RACE?". The rider gives me the slightest of nods. As soon as the last cow clears both of our horses bolt down the country road.

1135 After travelling two miles, ShadowFax is beginning to fall behind on pace to the black horse. Well I sure as hell ain't gonna lost to no Black Rider. I shout over to him "HEY IS THAT THE RING?". The Rider immediately looks around and pulls on his horse's reigns to slow it down. As I pass him I hit him over the head with my staff. Stupid Nazgul. So gullible.

1147 Should be at Rivendell in an hour according to my calculations. Since ShadowFax is pretty much on cruise control at the moment, I pull out the Swimsuit Edition of PlayAulй.

1224 As I near Rivendell I come across a party of elves. I say party instead of group because they were sitting in a clearing dancing, singing, laughing and feasting. Though I am familiar to such gaiety from this merry folk, they seemed to be enjoying themselves too much. As I greet them and quickly tell them of my recent travels and where I am destined, I take the chance to take a cup of WHAT from the large bowel everyone took a drink from. To my amusement and as I had suspected, the WHAT has been spiked. Hehehehe.

1235 I meet the first of many guard posts on the main road to Rivendell. Tell them I have no fruit or vegetables on board.

1256 Finally reach Rivendell after passing numerous guard posts. Surprised to find that they now have valet parking for horses. Hand ShadowFax over to the elf waiting outside. Tip him a couple of silver pennies just to make sure I get a spot near the front of the stable.

1259 As I walk towards main entrance I notice that above the entrance it reads in fire red letters AnBar-Rivendell, the nearest translation of which is Hotel Rivendell. Well if Elrond wants to make a few extra pennies I totally support that. Capitalism is the way forward for middle-earth.

1300 Meet Elrond at the door. Compliment him on his new set-up. After seeing the rates he charges for one night's stay I am very happy I know Elrond himself and he owes me a few. After showing me my room, penthouse suite on the top floor beside his chambers, he leads me to where the Council is being held, conference room B, also known as the Isuldur Memorial Room. Only Radagast the Brown and Jaundice the Yellow are here. I try to look disappointed to hear that Poofter the Pink isn't coming.

1304 As the time to start the council approaches, Aragorn, on the invitation of Elrond for this particular meeting, arrives, apologizing for his latency, saying he had to stop a couple of Black Riders outside from spray painting MORDOR RULEZ on a wall on the east side. When Elrond hears this, he rewards Aragorn by giving him a penthouse suite. My penthouse suite. Damn DÑŠnadain.

1307 The final members of the council arrive save Saruman.

1310 The meeting is due to start now, yet Saruman is not yet here. Suddenly, a fanfare is heard ad the red carpet rolled out. Saruman appears feigning shortness of breath, when he was probably having a smoke in the toilets and just wanted to be fashionably late. Pompous bugger.

1311 To my disappointment, Saruman seems to be invulnerable to my drop-the-trousers spell.

1315 The meeting finally starts with Elrond sitting to the left of Saruman, myself to the right.

1321 The first fight breaks out when Jaundice They Yellow denies that he spent thirty silver pennies on a new horse despite it saying so on the budget. As he and Saruman argue, I notice a couple bottles of Jack Elfings hidden underneath his robe. So that's what he spent the money on.

1345 As Saruman leans back on his chair, I try out my fall-off-chair spell. Again seems invulnerable to it.

1403 We finally move off the budget after the riveting laundry expenses and onto more pressing matters.

1404 Saruman asks me to address the council. As he sits down and I stand up, I can feel him casting