Christmas Case

Dear Diana Blokzyl,

Every year we go to my Grandma's Christmas Eve where we feast on lasagna and open too many presents. This year, instead, we are driving to my Aunt's house in Los Angeles Christmas Eve. There won't be presents because it does not make sense to drag them so far. Instead of lasagna, there will be roasted lamb served. You see, my Grandma died six months ago, taking pieces of my life and our family traditions with her. Since her death, I struggle to understand why she is no longer with me.

My Grandma was the strongest women I knew. Even with her breathing tube and wheelchair, she held her own. Her life-saving apparatus did not keep her from enjoying her life. She went on vacations, to plays, and attended my dance recitals without letting on she was in pain. The night I got a call; I was at a friend's birthday party. It is funny how one call changes your life. I went from having a great time to my world being still. The drive to the hospital was silent. The silence intensified while sitting next to her and watching her die. My strong Grandmother looked weak. As I sat holding her freezing hands, I whispered, "just keep breathing." I needed her to stay. She needed to see my high school graduation and be present when I get married. I realized I needed to be strong and let her go, but I couldn't. After two days of never leaving the hospital, my grandmother died.

I have struggled since her death, feeling lonely and missing my Grandma. Recently, I read your poem. It gave me closure I needed. I realized I did not have to forget her because she is always with me, smiling from heaven. I can now see my Grandmother in heaven, looking healthy again like she did before the disease overtook her. I can even see her strength in myself now. Finally, I am starting to understand that my grandmother does now want me feeling said, but celebrating the life we shared.

In three weeks, it will be Christmas Eve and we will celebrate at my Aunts. My parents discussions about our new tradition no longer initiates the feelings of rage it did. I am trying to embrace new tradition and the lamb my Aunt is cooking because I know my Grandma wants me to celebrate life. I also do not fell quite so alone, knowing she will be with me. I am also able to see how you would not want me feeling said.