Communication Through Jonathan

Jonathan has been a close friend of mine for the last year and a half. We met at work, and have maintained a platonic, close relationship. He is the person I call for relationship, life and personal advice. Interestingly enough, I chose Jonathan because I thought that he is definitely in tune with his feminine side, and would probably be “the exception” to the masculine communication roles. Unfortunately for me, I must not have known him like I had thought, because his beliefs and communication styles were completely straight out of our textbook. I started off my interview with him coming over and talking casually in the kitchen, as we usually do. We talked about our current relationships, and I delved straight into the questions.

When I asked Jonathan who he felt most comfortable conversing with, whether it is males or females, he responded with females. He mentioned that he’s had an easier time opening up to girls and that he had many close girlfriends. Just as discussed in class, he felt that males were not as apt to sharing feelings, and that conversations with them were task-oriented. As mentioned in the textbook, “being friends with women allows men the opportunities to spend more time in conversation, to be more free about their emotions and feelings”. When I asked where he felt this rooted from, he discussed how his father was never much of a talker. He said his has father “wasn’t a feelings kind of guy”. Growing up, Jonathan was shaped into talk to his mother who was “more open to talk and sharing feelings”. Jonathan was obviously a textbook case male who was socialized to talk to females about his thoughts and feelings, and to talk to males only when he had a purpose for the conversation. I shared with him how when I was growing up, I felt the same things. My mother would always ask how my day was, what I did, how my friends are, and other in-depth questions. My father would say hello, ask if my day was good, and proceed to watch TV on the couch. My mother was trying to develop a relationship with me, which is what females do. I also asked where he felt most comfortable talking to a person of the opposite sex and the same sex. After joking that he felt most comfortable talking to the opposite sex in the shower, he eventually said that it actually didn’t matter. It didn’t matter whether it be at his apartment, at dinner, in a bar, or anywhere else. The setting didn’t really make a difference.

Since men are task-oriented, and females are not, Jonathan proved this by telling me about his phone conversations. He mentioned that when he calls a guy friend of his, the conversations are straight to the point. “What time are we going out tonight?” or “Where are we going?” The conversations are to get updated on a couple events or happenings, and then the conversation is over. When a girl is on the phone, they are long, detailed conversations about little things that are going on in life. Us girls, apparently, have stories and feelings that we’d like to talk about. He mentioned that even when he talks to guys that he used to be in the military with, that he has not talked to in months, he still does not talk for hours. They update each other on their lives briefly, and the call is ended. He could not remember the last time he had a long conversation on the phone with a guy. He mentioned that it was kind of annoying talking to a female for a long period of time, because females usually end up talking about nothing in particular. His masculine communication culture starts to come out then. He also mentioned, again, that what we talk about is different. “If two guys have a conversation, it’s going to be totally different than a girl and a girl, or a guy and a girl. Two guys are going to be talking a majority of the time about less significant things. If I’m talking to David (his roommate), I’m going to talk to him about what I’ve been up to, how my studying is doing, or reading the bible. We talk about our religion and our walk with God. If I talk on the phone to you, it’s about how you felt about Eric (my partner), or what you’re feeling about things that happened that day.”

Next, I talked about genderlects with him. My question was his opinion on whether males and females communicate differently, and whether males and females listen differently. He mentioned a couple conversations he had the previous day. His male friend called about a problem that was occurring in his own life. Moments after their conversation, his female friend called about a problem that was occurring in her life. Jonathan mentioned that the male called to get advice. He wanted to problem to be fixed and as soon as possible. The female who called didn’t really want much advice. She wanted him to just listen to her problems. As said in our textbook, masculine genderlects include “speech used to problem solve”, while feminine genderlects include “speech used to demonstrate support”.

I asked Jonathan what he wished the opposite sex would know about communication. He replied that, “It’s not that simple. Girls don’t think the same way guys do. I’m straighter to the point and I look at things more directly. I think of things more rationally. Haha! There’s more emotion involved for them. I would want them to know that when I say something, I actually mean what I’m saying. A majority of the time, you don’t need to analyze to the depth that girls go into.” This led to our communication, and he started telling me that I needed to stop over-analyzing every situation that came into my life.

In reading the text, I noticed that it said that females read body language much more than males. I didn’t realize this was true until Jonathan mentioned that he tries to manipulate his body language, but that females are better at reading body language than he is at manipulating it. Thinking about my past arguments or past analyses, I’ve definitely stemmed a lot of my reasoning based on body language.

Next, we talked about the preconceived notions of male communication. If he could change anything about the stereotype of male communication, he would change the notion that they were all the same. He told me about conversations that his friends in the military would have about females. The vulgarity and sexual degrading conversations were never an interest of his. “If you listen to a conversation that I had about a girl, I try not to talk that way. I don’t want my mind to go there