Crash

April 7, 2006

Dear Cole,

A year ago, today, you came into this world, somewhat amazed and a little bewildered. I can understand why, as we all arrive in this world naked and cut off from the comfort of our mother's womb. We are cast from the sanctity that we knew for nine months into a place that is cold, loud, and filled with people that you once knew only by sound but now may recognize by sight.

I guess I should start off by explaining just who I am. Soon, you will come to know many, many people. You will come to know your mother, father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and lots and lots of friends. I guess I will play many roles in your life. In part, I will come to be a father-figure, a roommate, an uncle, and most certainly a friend. You see, I have been your father's friend for about five years now. There is no doubt that you will know that your mother and father are not together. However, I don't want you to think that you are a part because of you. You are loved equally by both and had no part in their separation. I know this is hard to comprehend now. However, as you get older, I hope you will understand my sentiment and exactly the purpose of this letter.

I am writing to you for a class project in a master's level class at Longwood. I am going to give this to you on your twelfth birthday. While I don't think you will fully understand everything I will write here, I have been taught that this is an age in which you will be struggling with your own identity and I want to make sure that you understand who you are, where you are coming from, and where you need to go. To accomplish this, I am going to relate to you a few incidents from my life intertwined with a discussion of Erickson's theory. I hope you will be able to use my experiences to better understand some of the things that have already happened to you and some the things that could (and probably) will happen to you in the not so distant future. I have spent the past three months writing down my own memories. I have spent a good amount of time talking to my parents and grandparents, pouring over school yearbooks, and looking through old photo albums my own mother sent to me.

One thing that I have learned in this class is that there are many different theories to explain human growth and development. While I see pros and cons to each, I have chosen to use Erickson's Life Span theory as a guide through these experiences. In the context of this project, this psychosocial theory seems the most appropriate. Again, you could make a case for any theoretical perspective; I just want to focus on Erickson. So, Cole, bear with me as I take my life through six or Erickson's eight stages and hopefully relate to you some advice that you help you out in some difficult times.

Erickson's first stage deals with those experiences that occur within the first year and half of your life. While you may not have any memories of this time on your own, your parents and pictures can help trigger things that are pertinent to this time. In the oral-sensory stage of development, the most important event in your life is feeding. As your mother and father fulfill this need, you come to reconcile the conflict of trust versus mistrust. In my case, I have seen a thousand pictures of me sitting in a high chair as my mom played "airplane" with my vegetables. I know you remember this game as I saw your dad do the same thing. The game in which your food was on a spoon and your dad made airplane sounds as he landed the spoon in your mouth. You see, my mother did the same thing. I tend to remember that I hated eating the green slush she called beans. However, she was always there for me and made sure that I ate every bite. If you remember correctly, your father did the same thing. In fact, it got to the point where you looked forward to eating. According to Erickson, you will develop a sense of trust only if your parents are responsive and consistent in meeting this need. The need must be met with comforting regularity. If not, a person will become less competent and sympathetic with their peers. They also tend to explore their environment with less enthusiasm and persistence. So, how does fulfilling the need to eat help resolve the conflict of trust versus mistrust? According to Erickson, if this need is met with consistent care and familiarity, babies will begin to understand that objects and people exist even when they can not see them. Obviously, this is where trust becomes important. I'll speak for both of us when I say that we made it through this stage just fine. In fact, you are only a year old and have no problem realizing that a hidden ball under a blanket is still there.

In stage two of Erickson's development, we deal with the conflict of autonomy versus doubt. Typically, we are toddlers (1 to 2 years old) during this stage. Since you seem to have progressed early through stage one, you should be entering this stage in a few months. Self-control and self-confidence begin to develop at this time. For me, the most important memory I have is my toilet training. This fits perfectly for Erickson as he also terms this the muscular-anal stage. In addition to toilet training, you will begin to feed and dress yourself, constantly striving towards autonomy. Erickson believes that if a parent doesn't maintain a reassuring, confident attitude and doesn't reinforce basic motor and cognitive skills, that a child may feel shame and learn to doubt their own abilities. If a child doubts himself too much at this time, he may lack confidence in his own ability throughout life. If you can't tell, I don't lack confidence. In fact, some may call me cocky. I can remember vividly, my father helping me with my toilet training. I can assure that I didn't always get it right. In fact, I wet my bed and myself more often than not. However, I was never scolded and never met with a cross word. My dad was always positive and made certain that I felt no shame. In terms that Erickson would understand, my father's successful and supportive role in my toilet training has helped make me the self-assured person that I am today and the confident child I was growing-up.

Erickson's third stage deals with life from the age of two to six years and resolves the conflict of initiative versus guilt. Building off of the earlier stage, a child becomes the most independent at this time. I was eager to become more responsible at this time. I can remember wanting to help my dad as he changed the oil in the car, I wanted to help my mom make cookies, and I was ready to really assert the person I was to become. Erickson