Eng 106 - Divorce - Tearing Love Apart

3/7/17

ENG-106

Tearing Love Apart

When a man and a women say the words “I do,” it means they have an ever-lasting love for one another and vow to spend the rest of their lives alongside one another. However, not all marriages see it out until the end. Divorce in families is relatively new, but an already urgent problem starting only a couple of decades ago. According to studies done by the American Psychological Association (APA), about forty to fifty percent of marriages in the United States end up in divorce (APA. 2017). Such disturbing statistics imposes a question: what makes marriage so unsuccessful and unstable that the only answer to the problem comes in the form of divorce? Parents that do decide the marriage must end in divorce cause emotional scarring which leads to their children to divorce in later relationships.

Lack of communication between the partners is one of the most common direct causes of divorce (Johnson. 2016). When two people first meet, they usually have a lot of small talk unless they are both very shy. It then takes months and even years for them to reveal each other’s interests, dreams, and characteristics layer by layer. When a couple knows each other’s thoughts and emotions too well, the amusing themes for conversation disintegrate, leaving them with daily small talks about things like bills, work, and their children. People in marriage commonly hold back the most important feelings and thoughts, making the communication gap even greater. When there is lack of constructive communication with the partner, the gap is soon filled with arguments. This not only begins to push them apart, but it makes them more aware of each other’s flaws and the differences in their systems of values which will make it more difficult to deal with especially if they have not known each other long before making the commitment to each other. The couple then grows further apart to the point where they are not as intimate as they once were, especially during the beginnings of the relationship.

Most men, women, and even children are left to deal with the emotional effects after a divorce for the reason being that they have been neglecting the things that are causing the divorce throughout the marriage. With this being said, some couples will try anything in order to save that marriage and even more so if they have children together. Couple counseling usually becomes an option when there is a gap that is too great to surpass. The active listening model, is probably one of the most influential theories in marital therapy. According to this theory, “active empathic listening during conflicts leads to stable and happy marriages” Amato. 2003). The gap in communication can be prevented when the partners learn how to listen to each other’s opinions and express their arguments without emotional aggression; however, partners who argue frequently can still have a stable marriage if they work on their personal capacity to listen and understand.

Marriage is a difficult journey that demands sacrifices and understanding from the beginning of the relationship. After being married for some time, some partners will begin to grow distant from each other. The new ex-partners soon will become aware of the emotions that had initially brought them together, and they actualize the love they used to feel for one another. Nevertheless, these memories are not enough to surpass the current differences and lead the marriage back to harmony. It is not unusual for the party that has been "abandoned to experience shock, depression, affected self-esteem, anger, and even the feeling of being betrayed” (Amato, 2003). The initiator of the divorce, on the other hand, will be left with the feelings of not only guilt and doubt, but also with relief and willingness that they have the chance to start a new stage in their life. The initial confusion after separation gradually goes away which then leaves some space for acceptance for both parties. The party that was left soon gains the confidence to get back out in the world, and most of the time they will start to discover new interests in life that they might not have had the chance to do before. The decision to end a marriage can lead to traumatic experiences for not only both partners but for their children as well.

Divorce is a salient aspect of our society in the way that it has rippling implications not only for the couple, but also for the estimated one million plus children to experience parental divorce each year in the United States. Children experience these changes in their family much more drastically. The intense parental conflicts that led to the divorce have already left traces in their development, but the feeling of being abandoned leads to permanent emotional consequences. In general, “girls are more internally symptomatic, so they may become depressed after the divorce” (Arnett, 2014). The parents notice changes in both their and eating habits, as well as common headaches or stomach aches. Boys, on the other hand, “express their anger and hurt by fighting with their parents, family and by getting in trouble at school” (Arnett, 2014).

When the connection between a couple is disturbed, their value systems become polarized, and it becomes obvious that the partners have colliding priorities. Once this happens in the marriage, one or even both partners will start sneaking around with other people. Although affairs may be one of the most common direct causes of divorce, the subtle nuances that push one or both partners towards affairs are the actual reasons for the loss of the feeling of belonging. The most frequent reasons why people have an affair reflect emotional needs. People mention that they were not emotionally satisfied in their marriage and wish to gain additional emotional connection or validation. The other reason people engage in affairs had to do with love by either falling zout of love with their partner or falling in love with the new partner. “For the most part, partners cheat on their spouses primarily for sex, emotional sustenance, or love” (Whitbourne, 2012).