Family Adjustments Following Disclosure of Homosexuality by Member

Family adjustments following disclosure of homosexuality by member

Psychology

Mr. Lambiro

September 29,2005

Family adjustment following disclosure of homosexuality by a member

Abstract: In this essay I will attempt to explain the psychological and emotional ramifications of a family member "coming out". I will be concentrating on the short-term, as well as long-term, effects it has on young children's discovery that their mother is a lesbian. I will very briefly discuss the effects it has on the ex-spouse, the siblings and parents of the lesbian family member. Do lesbian mother's have a harder time raising children than do their heterosexual counterparts? Are their children and family member's readily supportive of their lifestyle change and what adjustments are necessary for a healthy family life between all involved? These are questions I will address in this essay. I will also portray one young girl's personal experiences as well as studies depicting the long-term effects.

Scenario:

A young girl sits in her room crying as she hears the muffled sounds of footsteps downstairs. Streams of yelling and screaming are interrupted by short bouts of crying. Frustrated, she wraps her pillow around her head, trying to block out the sounds of her mom and dad arguing. Today, her dad is moving out of the house forever. Yes, she knows it's been coming but why? Why won't her dad stay? She hates him! She vows to herself that she will never forgive him for leaving them.

6 months later: Dumbfounded the girl stares at her mother's mouth, uncomprehending. Refusing to believe what her mother just revealed to her she asked, "How can you be gay? You were with daddy for 11 years! Is it because daddy left us?"

Her mom's answer shocks her! Her daddy left because her mom was gay! Her mom lied to them all! She made her dad leave! And now her mom's girlfriend would be living with them? How could she explain this to all her friends?

Although this tale may seem melodramatic, it is a true story. It is the story of a young girl close to my heart, which prompted me to write this paper. Is this child going to grow up with any emotional or psychological scars? Is there a difference between how a child from a same-sex household is raised and did this discovery change their relationships with their mothers? Do children from lesbian households rebel, or have difficulty trusting?

Also discussed are the effects the parent's sexuality has on their relationship with their own siblings and parents. Does this cause discord among a family and what steps are necessary to maintain a healthy relationship?

The Family's role

In a study called, GOING PUBLIC: A STUDY OF THE SOCIOLOGY OF HOMOSEXUAL LIBERATION, JOHN ALAN LEE, JOURNAL OF HOMOSEXUALITY, 1977, VOL 3(1), P49-78, 24 homosexuals were analyzed. It was determined that "the complete process of resolving and announcing one's sexual orientation as "homosexual" is analyzed into three stages: signification, coming out, and going public." In most research studies though, it has to be pointed out that due to fears of discrimination, lesbian mothers are hard to identify and study. Once a person has committed herself to "coming out", and has engaged in all 3 of the above stages they often find themselves ostracized. Siblings are suddenly "walking on eggshells" and parents look to place the blame on themselves. In "coming out" the family members then accept or reject the family member and their lifestyle. Siblings may find it hard to relate to their sister and feel as if their relationship has been fraudulent up to the point of disclosure. Ex-husbands are usually very angry and devastated and may even refuse to be involved with their children. Open communication is very important in this case. Grieving is used a central metaphor to represent and convey the experience of families subsequent to disclosure (Laird,1996; McWhirter & Mattison, 1995; Robinson, Walters, and Skeen, 1989). Dealing with negative feelings is an important process. In grieving for the loss of hopes and dreams a family member once had for their homosexual family member, they are better able to celebrate the start of a new relationship, and new hopes and dreams can then be established. Hopefully this will lead to a fully supportive and functioning family, though this often takes time. How much time is dependent on the members, as all people are different.

When and how a mother discloses to her child (ren) her sexuality is vital as to how they accept and respond. Denial, shock and then anger are usually the first emotions experienced. Often times children are confused as to what being lesbian really means and are not mentally able to recognize the impact it has on their family as they know it.. Concerns arise and need to be addressed right away, such as, will dad still have a part in my life? And what role will mom's new partner be in my life?

A study designed to investigate the effects of post-divorce lesbian motherhood on the child's psychological development (Golombok and Tasker 1996) involved 27 lesbian mother samples and 27 heterosexual single mother families. In each group were 39 children with an average of 9.5 years. Both groups were post divorce mothers and had shared the "splitting up" of both natural parents together and had to deal with their mother's new partner, whether homosexual or heterosexual. Although this study did attempt to remain neutral and fair, the small sample size makes this study's significance questionable. It does raise the point though that children of post divorce lesbian children were generally more positive about their family's identity than the other group, most likely due to the openness required in this family.

This study found that although the children of the lesbian mother's did frequently undergo more embarrassment, there were no lasting