How Does one Find Happiness After Depression?

Alex Watkins

October 26, 2015

How Does One Find Happiness after Depression?

Dear Reader,

        Depression is not easy, nor is it the same for each person living with this. I’ve dealt with depression since I turned 15, at least that’s when I realized I had this disease. It was passed through my father down to me but, without telling me himself. He left my family, which was a “trigger” in a way.  I write this to my readers in hopes that this essay gives them insight into how I came to terms with my depression and that they may be helped in a way. In hopes that people realize depression is not a joke or simply being sad. In hopes that this helps people see that they are not alone in this battle and that it’s a long journey; it was not easy for me either.

Openly,

Alex Watkins, college freshman

Sitting in chemistry, I remember hearing the guys laughing. They were making jokes about depressed people and “cutters.” Saying snide comments about how they should “just end it already.” Every word that came out of their mouth infuriated me even more. They kept going on and on about how they were pathetic, they’re probably not sad but just seeking attention, they probably cut for Bieber. I didn’t understand why it was upsetting me so much; of coarse everything they were saying would make any one person mad, but this was something more. They went on all class period until I realized—I was one of those people that they were making jokes about.

*Dear Shannon,

        Since my dad left, I’ve felt so different. It’s somehow worse at night. It’s such a weird feeling; I can’t even explain it to you. Maybe I should talk to someone about it… I hope I’ll see you soon. Come over tomorrow?

Much love,

        Alex

*        I can’t recall when I became aware that depression was nudging its way into my life. At first its presence was hardly noticeable, but as my years soared into the late teens, it was no longer possible to ignore its presence. It disrupts my plans, demands my attention, shames me into abandoning projects, rejects me of nutritious meals, curtails my away-from-home activities, hides my feelings from me, makes myself less recognizable and pushes happiness into the deepest crevices of my mind while prodding me to act like everything is okay.

*Me: I’m just always sad, I’m not sure why. It’s not even that I’m sad I just don’t know what’s wrong all the time, why I feel like this.

Mitch: Don’t be. You just have to power through and remember that there’s always someone that has it worse than you. You just kinda have to be stronger and ignore it. Just be happy.

Me: Okay, sure.

Couldn’t he have just said “I’m here for you” or “How can I help?” He made me feel guilty for even acknowledging it. This is why I don’t talk to people about it.

*        People assume depression is the same for each individual and you can just “catch it” and be freed. They ask questions such as: Are you overeating/undereating? Had weight gain/loss? Felt down in the dumps? Lost interest in daily activities or hobbies? Trouble making decisions? Thoughts of death or suicide/suicide attempts? For me, depression is more like: insomnia, all people have days where they eat more or less, not understanding why I feel how I do, no one can “tell” something is wrong/are able to notice my problems, feeling worthless, more irritable, constantly wanting to be out with friends/spend money and extreme feelings towards everything, for example crying over movies that aren’t meant to be sad.

What I say/do:                                        How I feel:

I’m fine                                        I’m really not

It’s because I’m tired                                I don’t know why I feel like this

Smile                                                Feel like crying

Want to stay over tonight?                        I don’t want to be alone                

Laugh                                                Empty

I can’t come                                        I don’t feel like it

I’m just upset                                        I want to hurt myself

Go away                                        Stay

I’m getting better                                I’m so scared to go back to that feeling

I’m just cold                                        Don’t look at my scars

“I smile, I pretend to be happy

Having a good time

If I do this maybe happiness

Will find me

Laughing even though

Inside I want to die

How can I push these feelings aside

And not break down and cry”

*Dear Shannon,

        You asked me how depression felt and this is the best response I could come up with. It feels like I’m walking upstream through a current strong enough to knock me down four times over. There’s others who walk along the side of the current that just tell me to “get out of the water.” Instead of helping they just walk away and leave me behind. Every once and a while I find a rock strong enough to lean on so I can rest for a while. But the rocks get weak from holding me. And when they do I’m thrown fifty feet back again, drowning. There’s nothing harder than standing in this current when everything in your body is telling you to just let yourself be dragged under.

Much love,

        Alex

*Recipe for happiness

• 8 ounces of smiles, softened  
• 1 cup gratitude  
• 1 cup packed core values
• 1 deep breath
• 1 teaspoon raw emotional energy
• 1 cup contentment, puree  
• 1 cup self-love
• 1 teaspoon balance
• 1 teaspoon ground laughter
• 1/2 teaspoon adventure and openness
• 1 cup hard work
• 2 1/2 cups acceptance

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C)
2. Cream together smiles, gratitude and core values until fluffy. Beat in deep breath, emotional energy and contentment.
3. In a separate bowl, mix together the self-love, balance, laughter, adventure and openness, hard work and acceptance. Stir into first mixture.
4. Drop by the heaping teaspoonful on to cookie sheets covered with parchment paper. Bake 12 to 15 minutes.
5. Remove from oven and place on cooling racks.

*        We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the victims of depression, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as we continue to let this affect us. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with fatigue, cannot be alone at night because we are afraid of what we will do. We cannot be satisfied as long as we cannot enjoy life’s simple pleasures. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are exposed to the chance of this becoming a part of their lives as well. We cannot be satisfied as long as victim cannot feel joy and believes he has nothing worthy inside of himself. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until “happy” is a word in our daily vocabulary and we truly mean it