Interpersonal Communication

Module 5:

Interpersonal Communications

Summary Paper

Presented to:

Professor Beth Rose

By:

Antonia Roberson

11615 Woodward Street

Overland Park KS 66210

MHR 151

Over the past five weeks I have learned a great deal about open and honest communication. I was under the impression that I did a pretty good job at listening and communicating but I was sorely mistaken. There was so much valuable information presented during this module that it was a little difficult grasping the concepts as solidly as I should have. If I could extend this module by a week or two, my confidence in putting into practice these wonderful concepts would be greatly increased. Three main concepts which caught my attention were "The Language of the Heart" in John Stewart's Bridges Not Walls, the comparing and contrasting of the differences between men and women done by Gary Smalley, and Habit five "Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood" in John Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

In Bridges Not Walls, Stewart expounds on the phenomena of communication and relationship being directly related to a person's overall health and well being. Through extensive scientific and statistical research, Stewart happened upon a higher premature death rate in lonely, widowed, and divorced people. He cited people in those circumstances are two to four times more likely to die prematurely than a married person. "So vital to human health is the language of our hearts that - if ignored, unheard, or misunderstood - it can produce terrible physical suffering, even premature death. For the language of the heart cries out to be heard. It demands to be understood." (Stewart, p. 615) I can unequivocally associate with this concept. I was trapped in a bad relationship that did nothing but spiral downwards for five years. My family, husband and children included, is the most important thing to me. I will run myself into the ground to ensure their happiness and well-being. As my husband's mistrust and abrasiveness grew, my health started to suffer. His insecurities led him to not trust anyone, even his own wife. I could not even use the bathroom in my own house without him standing over me. I began getting tension headaches, which I had never had before. I began getting colds more often. The colds grew into sinus infections and upper bronchial infections. I am a person who is very rarely sick. In 2004, I had already used my two weeks of vacation time by the end of February due to illness. Finally, depression set in. I would cry every day. My work suffered. My relationships with my friends suffered. My children suffered. I kept asking myself what I had ever done to be mistrusted and hated so. Our fights finally escalated to the point where he was so angry I thought he was going to strike me. Two weeks later, I took my son and left him. I filed for divorce and have not looked back. After six weeks, I was no longer in need of any antidepressants and within a couple months everyone at work noticed I was happier and smiling more. In their words, I was not the same person. Now, I am happy and confident in myself and abilities. I love life and although it is not always a bed of roses, I somehow seem to come through the rough spots with a smile on my face. I am living proof that the human heart needs love, communication and understanding. Without these crucial elements, there is nothing to live for.

Gary Smalley continues the dynamic of basic human relational needs in his video series. The four basic needs of men and women, according to Smalley, are unconditional security, meaningful communication, emotional/romantic bonding and meaningful touch. In my experience, even though I had given all that I could, it was still not enough to save the relationship. I made sure that my ex-husband knew he was the most important person to me. I told him daily many times over how much I loved and appreciated him. How proud of him I was in his accomplishments. I gave hugs, kisses, and little love pats all day long. We took time for ourselves away from the kids to have date nights. I respected him tremendously as head of the household, as that was his rightful place. But despite everything I did, he still doubted. While Gary Smalley has gathered very good and pertinent information, it is not all-inclusive of a great relationship. In order to accept all the praise, respect given, and make the relationship work, a person first must feel worthy of accepting the praise, love and respect. If down in their core they feel inadequate, there is not a thing in the world that can be done. I learned the hard way that no matter how much love and respect I gave my ex-husband, his problem inherently lay within himself where I could not go. It was up to him to resolve those issues within himself. Only then did our relationship stand a viable chance. Unfortunately, my ex's way of dealing with his own insecurities was to blame them on others. This choice, of course, would not resolve anything. On the brighter side of life, I have been dating a man for two months now who is very secure in himself and knows his place and what he wants. He makes it very easy for me to put into place and use Smalley's advice. I have been putting to use in the relationship what I learn every week in class. This is by far the best relationship I have had in my adult life.

We are successful in our relationship because we are putting into practice Stephen Covey's concept of empathic communication out of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this segment of his book, Covey drives home the first major breakdown of effective communication. Our inherent human nature drives us to want to fix things, to jump right in and render our own opinions and experiences. This is detrimental to communication when a person is trying to speak their mind and feelings. We are all unique individuals with our own thoughts and feelings. The chances are very slim, that when I am explaining to a friend how hurt I was for not being recognized as the lead on a project they do not know how I truly feel. Of course they will jump right in to try and make me feel better by saying "Oh, I know just how you feel!" But do they really? Of all the hundreds of combinations of emotions that I am feeling, I seriously doubt they can pinpoint the correct ones.