Just for Today

My disappointment is a little different I didn't really get disappointed by someone or something I disappointed myself really, and it goes something like this. My mother started calling me a pothead when I was fifteen. Today when I go to a narcotic anonymous meeting I call myself an addict. I was born into an alcoholic family and we were not encouraged to express our feelings. I didn't know it was okay to be angry, sad, and depressed. As a child I isolated myself in my room I don't remember going outside to play with my friends. I do remember hurting inside and feeling sorry for myself. I continued to get sicker inside and when my older sister offered to turn me on to a joint in the seventh grade, I accepted. I had told myself I would never smoke marijuana, but I thought I was smart enough to handle it. Problems with using began happening immediately. I started skipping school, and I was getting in trouble at home. My attitude was rotten. I thought I was cool and getting high was the "in" thing. I began to realize that I was having a problem with pot when I bought a bag for my seventeenth birthday and it was all gone before the big day even arrived. My friends told me that was not normal. I tried to quit that summer and I did, for three months.

When I started getting high again it was worse. I was smoking more pot and started taking a few chemicals. I started school again, and it was obvious I had a problem. I would go to school high and then skip to get high again. My grades dropped from A's to C's and D's. I met a girl who was also in high school and who liked to party, so we started using together. I managed to maintain through high school. When I started College my addiction was growing every day now I drank occasionally, and I didn't even like drinking because it always got me sick. I dropped out of college because all I cared about was getting high and that was it. This is where everything started to go downhill from here. Not realizing I had a cousin in the family that was selling cocaine, and I found out about it he took me under his wing and I started selling for him too. It didn't take me long for me to start using cocaine as well. I ended up just snorting everything instead of selling it like I intended too but I'm and addict what can I say. Did I really believe I could handle selling and not using it at the same time. Then the friend I had in high school found out that I was selling and she love using coke so we started using again. It didn't take me long to find out that she had a heroin habit and I asked her why do you do it and she told me I only use it so that when I am on cocaine I hate the come down off it and heroin fixes that. Once I heard that I was in heaven, so now I'm using all these different drugs and it seemed ok, but after doing it for so long I just got tired. Tired of getting up every morning and feeling like garbage and having to get a fix just to get through the day. The way I was living wasn't