Living Hell

You can hardly imagine how many there are that battle eating disorders. I

I found out things can't always be fixed by solving the outward appearance, but sometimes fingind out who you really are can be one way to solve a problem.

One day can change your life, one second even, the effects might not be sudden but gradual. Life is not always fair and the important part is learning from the experience and moving forward. For me, memories stay in my mind forever. Physically I changed; mentally I struggled for over 3 years and still am. I know deep down that eventually time heals everythingÐ'...but how long do I have to wait?

Fasting, throwing up, self-loathing, all this has one thing in common. They are part of bulimia. Sure, those are symptoms, but they aren't bulima nervosa. Bulimia becomes a life of its own, tearing you apart until the soul and spirit is exposed and nothing left but te body itself. Bulimia shows no mercy, no understanding, no mercy. It becomes your friend, at the same time your worst enemy. How do you escape a enemy, when the enemy is yourself? You face it. Facing your enemy is the only way to regain your soul and spirit. I know, I survived mine.

I can't remember why I started, it wasn't exactly a concious decision, but a decision none the less. It became a test, one more goal to reach. If I could go by without anyone noticing I was wonderwoman, I was strong, I was thin.

I was a 13 year old girl, who couldn't bear the world on her shoulders. It was hard at home, I couldn't show how diffecult it was, my siblings might feel worse.

I found comfort in controling the food that went inside me. I experienced, what was easy to throw it up, what wasn't. What can I do, what can't I? I started thinking up exscuses to use, to avoid eating around others. Slowly bulimia took over. I was a slave.

It started slowly, I only threw up twice a week. But it came more and more. I hid my breakfast, and threw it away whn noone was around. I never ate at school. I never ate lunch, I couldn't throw up at school, so I just didn't eat there. It was so tempting to eat everything at sight when I got home from school. Sometimes I did, in exchange I spent all my energy throwing up. Here I was a 14 year old girl, no selfesteem, who always heard the same voice in her head FATFATFAT.