Polyamory - Human Sexuality

Polyamory

Kathleen Ross

Human Sexuality

American Public University

Smita Mathur

Polyamory

Most people assume that in a healthy, loving relationship the individuals involved are monogamous, meaning they have intimate relations with only their partner. This, however, is not always the case. Moreover, it is becoming more commonplace to hear about open marriages.. Always outspoken, Amanda Palmer and her husband Neil Giaman have recently been more open in discussing their open marriage and the details of its inner workings. In an interview Palmer gave for Out magazine, she stated, "I've never been comfortable in a monogamous relationship in my life. I feel like I was built for open relationships just because of the way I function (Portwood, 2012, np)” This is something that more and more people are discovering about themselves. In the article Polyamory and its ‘Others’: Contesting the Terms of Non-Monogamy Christian Klesse examines the academic side of the question “What is polyamory” while Jessica Bennett takes a look at some of the more day to day aspects of the polyamorous lifestyle in her article Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution?

In the article Polyamory and its ‘Others’: Contesting the Terms of Non-Monogamy Christian Klesse takes a look at the lifestyle surrounding polyamory as well as the meaning of the term polyamory and all that includes.  Starting in 1997 and continuing until 2003 Klesse was researching non-monogamous relationships between gay male and bisexuals.  He used a variety of qualitative methods, which included interviews, focus groups, documentary research, participant observations, and discourse analysis (Klesse, 2006, p. 565). He interviewed forty-four gay men, as well as bisexual men and women who had experience with non-monogamous relationships, ten of the men identified as bisexual, two as transmen, one as a heterosexual male, ten women who identified as bisexual, and one lesbian woman.  There were also four focus groups conducted with gay and bisexual men.  Klesse sees the bias with this group being predominately made up of white middle class individuals stemming from his own privileged social position as a white, highly educated, middle-class academic (Klesse, 2006, p. 566).

        Klesse begins by looking into the prevailing elements and themes of polyamory as well as the various definitions that exist. While there is conflict on the actual meaning of the word, or even which word to use to describe the lifestyle, Klesse points out that love is central to any discussion on polyamory.  He also discusses how it blurs the lines between the sexual and non-sexual, between partnership and friendship. Klesse goes on to explore how the people he interviewed define polyamory as compared to other styles of non-monogamous relationships. Klesse asks how those people who consider themselves as polyamorous view the issues of swinging or casual sex, which are more pleasure centered and have less to do with the ideals of love and honesty that polyamory purports. Those who practice polyamory with the idea of being responsible and honest with the dealings of the various non-monogamous partners can be put off by those who view it as swinging or casual sex while those who do swing or participate in casual sex can feel left out of this definition.  Klesse continues by discussing the political implications based on the distinction between the ‘good polyamorist’ and the ‘bad swinger’ or ‘promiscuous queer’ (Klesse, 2006, p. 566). As well as how this can stifle the potential for discussions on the subject which could further the cause and rights for all involved as well as hamper the acceptance of this alternative lifestyle by the public as a whole.  In his conclusion, Klesse states, “the current celebration of love and intimacy usually bolsters the hegemonic ideal of the monogamous long-term couple (Klesse, 2006, p. 579).” This could mean that in the public eye as a monogamous long-term couples are what we are the most accepting of overall. Klesse feels that polyamory is positioned indistinctly between what is considered normal and not normal when it comes to sex and romantic relationships. Its central idea of love and intimacy makes them susceptible to being usurped by other ideologies.  Klesse ends with saying that he doubts if some of the more inclusive forms of polyamory will ever gain more legitimacy in the public eye.

        In the article Polyamory: The Next Sexual Revolution? Jessica Bennett discusses the ideas behind polyamory as well as some of the risks and difficulties associated with the lifestyle. She begins by looking at the love life of one woman’s, Terisa. She gives a bit of background information on Terisa and her partners as well as a little bit on the more practical matters such as who sleeps where, with whom, and when. Everyone in the article identifies as heterosexual.  Bennett briefly mentions several popular publications having to do with the subject of polyamory while briefly touching on the lack of actual research on the subject matter.

Politically, Bennett says, that most do not seem interested in advancing a political agenda. This has not stopped the movement from being noticed by the conservative religious right wing who see the behavior as deviant and surely to become normal and accepted were gay marriage legalized. This is in part why some gay marriage advocates have distancing themselves from polyamory, even using some of the same “it’s a choice” lines that have been used when discussing homosexuality. The biggest concern for polys, according to Bennett is legal concerns over their ability to parent. There is anecdotal research that shows children can do well in a poly family, as long as it is a stable home with loving parents (Bennett, 2009, p. 3). While this is anecdotal evidence, it is important to note that this particular study currently running is still too recent to have any real reliable conclusions drawn from it. Parents who have been outed as poly can be at risk for losing their children. The nonprofit group Polyamory Society has a warning posted on their page to parents warning them to not put their families and children at risk by coming out to the public or giving interviews to the media. Bennett continues the article discussing how jealousy is dealt with by introducing the term “compersion” which is learning to find personal fulfillment in the emotional and sexual satisfaction of your partner, even if you are not the one providing the satisfaction (Bennett, 2009, p. 4). She continues to discuss the various terminologies associated with polyamory such as how groups can be defined how partners are referred to, and how those groups describe their connections. She touches briefly on the idea of polyamory being a male fantasy gone wild but points out that in reality it has a feminist bent to it. Women are finding it and becoming central to its creation. Gender equality is a recognized tenet of the practice. (Bennett, 2009, p.5) Bennett concludes saying that while polyamory can scare monogamous people that maybe the practice is maybe more natural than previously thought. That the polyamory lifestyle has come out as “a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships (Bennett, 2009, p. 7)”