The Add In Me

Genise R. Caruso

10 December 2009

The ADD in Me    

  Someone once said, “Be careful what you wish for, for it might just come true.” I thought writing a paper from the personal perspective of an adult living with attention deficit disorder (ADD)^[1], would be a comparatively easy task. I have written about the many unrelenting challenges I face, an infinite number of times, in my head, since being diagnosed in 2000. I believed, without any doubt, this would be a ‘no-brainer.’ Yet, the harder I tried, the worse it got and the worse it got, the harder I tried. Here was one situation not even in the best of circumstances, could my skills as a professional writer help bail me out.

The assignment was to research and write a paper based on a health or disability issue that significantly affected my life. I plan on drawing from my personal experiences, give examples and show how the problems I face thoroughly are related to adult ADD. Admittedly, this paper expresses more personal issues than hard, cold data, yet does provide the basis for the things I do, by ADD symptomatology. Unfortunately, due to the limited amount of time, many aspects could not accounted for, since this disorder is so comprehensive and pervasive. It is the best overall perspective of the effects from ADD, when left undiagnosed and untreated for 45 years.  

  Finally, as if someone waved a magic wand, the opportunity I had been wanting for quite some time was dangled in my face. Previously, the criteria required never seemed to fully fit this particular matter, putting it for what felt like forever, on the back burner. However, now that what I wished for had finally come true, I not only did not have the slightest idea where or how to begin, but could not even decide what perspective to approach it from. Stuck would have been an improvement, for I felt hopelessly and indisputably at a complete loss what to do.

Already fully aware how general and broad a subject matter attention deficit disorder was on its own accord, I unquestionably knew it had to be narrowed down.

Besides, the health or disability issue chosen specifically had to be something that significantly affected my life and obviously not every aspect of ADD was relevant; yet so many were.

My next excuse was more creative. I claimed my manner of writing necessitated I find some unique angle or distinction, unlike the rest, and I could not write from an old, worn out viewpoint that was beaten to death. I want to bring something new to the party, particularly with a topic as controversial and unclear as ADD.

Hoping my research would trigger an idea, I gathered the extensive collection of books, articles, reports and other materials I already possessed on this subject matter, plus found and printed additional personally relevant information. Still nothing clicked and I was getting frantic. Two main fears kept me from simply writing to see where it led. First, I was afraid without some basic direction it would wind up all over the place, with no focal point. Worse; however, was the fear I could ultimately use it as a platform to vent about the endless frustrations and continual injustice plaguing me and produce a paper that is nothing more than a string of personal complaints, bellyaching and accusations.

I realized, from the get-go, this was a common occurrence, as getting started always seemed to be a major problem. However, I also knew that oftentimes all it took was one little word to trigger an idea. Assuming as in the past, a solution would soon hit me like a sledgehammer, I waited and did everything possible to encourage a breakthrough. I meticulously read, then reread all research material, highlighting any important areas, while weeding out what I would not use, hoping to unleash a revelation. My problem certainly was not a lack of ways to approach this subject matter, but too many perspectives to choose between them.  

I paced around the house incessantly, trying to think, stopped and started umpteen times, hoping a fresh outlook would inspire something. I even came close to ‘lighting up’ after quitting smoking six months ago, intensely craving a cigarette on numerous several occasions, like right now.

Of course, the constant distractions, interruptions and noise level, from my family certainly do nothing to help matters. It feels like the more pressure I am under to finish a project, the demands placed on me increase exponentially. Despite telling them countless times how difficult it is for me to regain my train of thought when interrupted, or how standing outside my door, fighting about something ridiculous, makes it impossible to think, it is like talking to the wall. A closed door means nothing; they will just walk in, and a locked door means bang on it until I answer!

The “three stooges,” as I often call them, are the three most helpless individuals I have met, constantly requiring me to drop everything, put out some fire or deal with yet another crisis. Not only is their timing at the most inopportune moment, but the entire line of reasoning usually pointless. Do not interrupt me, at 2:00 in the morning, to remind me, for the fifth time, I promised to take you for a haircut! Yet, I am supposed to remember a remark made in passing three weeks ago, about running out of shaving cream, even though no one thinks of reminding me when I am actually going to the store.

They have absolutely no understanding why I cannot concentrate, remember or get so darn infuriated by these things. I try defending myself and am accused of just making excuses for my hopeless inability to remember everything and receive belittling criticism for taking so much time to write a stupid paper. Once again, I feel like I have let everyone down.

I was posting a message on one of the “virtual classroom’s” discussion boards, explaining the many steps I must carry out in order to complete an assignment of this magnitude. I commented about certain ‘rituals’ I perform and at that very moment, as if  an elephant fell from the sky and landed on my head, it hit me. It was perfect and staring me in the face the entire time. My disproportionate struggle just to decide on a topic, the inordinate effort and energy I expend, while taking an unbelievable amount of time to read and do research, along with my absolute inability to remain focused or concentrate for any length of time and the trauma caused by noise, interruptions or distractions of any kind, are all results of attention deficit disorder (Matlen).