The Great Chicken

The great chicken conflict continued in our family for years. My husband and I avoided dealing with it as much as possible. Neither of us were willing to change our stance until we were forced into dealing with the situation recently.

Growing up I was sent to spend the summers on my aunt's farm. My job was to feed the chickens and small livestock that were being raised. The chickens were mean and would often fly and peck at me when I went into the coup to feed them. This led me to have a great fear of birds. My husband grew up on a farm where vegetables and chickens were raised to provide for the family. Since purchasing our 8 acre home 11 years ago my husband has wanted to raise free range chickens and plant a garden. Although we have had many discussions, I have refused to allow having either. We usually avoided the issue all together until the spring when the new chicks arrived at the local Tractor Supply store and vegetable plants were available for sale at Walmart. When we would discuss the issue, we would hold fast to our positions and I would laughingly tell him "over my dead body will we have chickens". He would always respond with "you kill me with how stubborn you can be."

My husband and I have had custody of two of our granddaughters for the past 6 years. Their father, Jason, lives in Florida and speaks to them on the phone occasionally. This year for Easter, Jason sent the girls 12 baby chickens as an Easter present. He thought it would be a nice surprise but it brought the chicken conflict to the forefront. At first, my husband and I were angry at Jason for not consulting with us about buying pets for the girls without consulting us. My husband and my granddaughters were excited because we had live chickens. I was livid and wanted to donate the chicks to the local zoo. My granddaughters cried when I told them I was going to have the zoo come and pick them up.

Upon seeing how distressed my girls were, my husband and I decided to sit down and discuss the issue and come up with a solution that was acceptable to everyone in the family.

Although this may seem like a very simple conflict to resolve, the nature of the chicken issue was more complicated in its dynamics than what could be seen on the surface. My husband and I had conflicting views and incompatible goals of the issue. Each year we discussed chickens and gardening but made no headway. Neither of us was willing to budge from our position. He saw chickens and a garden as a way of providing food for his family. He wanted to make life easier in tough economic times. I felt my husband didn't see my fear of birds as important. I also wanted to spend what little extra time I had with my family. However, neither of us communicated to the other how we really felt. There were two triggering events for this conflict. The first was the arrival of 12 baby chicks from the girl's father. The second was the reaction of the girls when I decided that we should donate the chickens to the local Zoo. Had the girls not been so emotionally attached to the gift from their absentee father, the chicken and garden issue would not have come to a head.

David and I both were combative in our stance on the chickens and the garden. We would jokingly use phrases like over my dead body will we have chickens or you kill me with how stubborn you can be. The girl's saw the situation as a mess and would often tell my husband that he didn't want to open that can of worms with grandma again. We used both verbal and nonverbal expressions. We would make little comments to each other or shrug our shoulders and walk way. The girls became very good at rolling their eyes at us when the subject was brought up.

Our incompatible goals were that David wanted to make life easier in tough economic times. I saw it as my husband didn't value how I felt and that he didn't want me to spend more time with the family. The girls viewed getting rid of the chickens as taking away from them the little bit of affection that their father was showing to them.

In the beginning of the chicken conflict my specialized goal was relational and David's specialized goal was identity. I wanted more family time and he wanted to be the big provider even though the topic was chickens and the process was combative. However, when the girls became involved both of us worked on the most important common relational goal of the girls in a productive manner.

We are an interdependent family unit that relies on each other for not only food and shelter but our emotional and psychological well-being. David felt I was interfering with his ability to support the family. I felt that he was interfering with my emotional well-being and ability to spend more time with the family. The girls thought that both of us were interfering with their ability to have some sort of relationship with their father. The original conflict was I.

Before the arrival of the chicks, there was a very large power inbalance.

This conflict had been mainly a destructive one because none of us were willing to look at the others point of view and try and resolve the situation. However, when it became apparent that the girls were going to be hurt by our lack of concern for their feelings toward our issues, we decided as a family to figure out a solution that was for everyone's best interest. By using problem solving and equality instead of being superior and trying to control the situation, we were able to communicate more effectively.

In order to resolve the issue, David and I first sat down and discussed it with each other without the children. Because we both had anger issues with Jason not asking us about giving the girls a present, we decided to deal with that first. We realized that we weren't angry that he had given them the gift but more because we had assumed the role of parents to the girls. We felt by not consulting us he was undermining our authority in deciding what was in the best interests of the girls. Once we were able to get past that, we were able to discuss what the real issues were in relationship to the chickens and garden. We discussed what our feelings were and used I statements. We listened to each other without interrupting in order to see the other person's point of view. David thought I was just being stubborn and lazy in not wanting to tend to the garden. He also thought