Two Little Bunnies

Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili

taster named Frank who was visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding

Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili

cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the

original person called in sick at the last minute and I

happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking

directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I

was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that

the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they

told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers

to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These

hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbeque?) with a hint of pork. Slight

Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbeque flavor, needs more peppers

to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure

what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off

two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver

while I shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs

more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red

peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I've

located a !?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! My nose feels like

I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by

now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer

wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills so that I wouldn't

have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong

statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my

eyes.