Love

The world's great wisdom traditions say that love is the ultimate reality of existence. In human romantic relationships, the more we strive to reflect that divine, universal love, the more harmony and freedom we will have with our partner. Real love has no agendas, no attachments, no ideas, no demands, and no conditions. These are all things we add to the experience of love, which begin to contaminate our love, and which also begin to confuse us about what love is. Real, uncontaminated love has one simple agenda: to love!

Our minds can talk about love, but they can't actually experience love. Love can only be experienced through feeling. Many times we confuse the experience of love with the word or idea of love. You can say the words "I love you," and not be feeling love. You can also feel love when you think you can't or shouldn't.

True love of another human being is wanting what is best for them even if that's not you. Our idea of what is best for them and what is truly best for them may be different.

Real love can't be used as a "bargaining chip." (Example: "I will love you if you promise to never leave or hurt me.") Bargaining and other forms of manipulation begin to contaminate our love for another human being.

In some ways, "relationship" is a made-up concept. A relationship can be created any way that works for the two people involved. Often we get fixated on past images of what a relationship is suppose to look like: parents, movies, fantasies, and even previous relationships. Many times we limit our enjoyment by holding on to our attachments of what we think a relationship is supposed to look like.

The more exciting possibility is to invent whatever relationship would work best for the two people involved. There is really no specific way a relationship has to look. It can be a truly exciting art to sit down with another human being and invent a relationship that will mutually support both of you. This also keeps the door open to recreating the relationship or aspects of the relationship from time to time so both people will continue to be served and enlivened.

Even if you have been in a relationship for many years, you can still recreate or add more to your existing relationship, as long as both people are committed to having a fulfilling relationship.

Warning: It's important that both people authentically want to be in the relationship. If one partner is secretly ambivalent or staying because they are scared to leave, that person will tend to unconsciously sabotage any effort to create a healthy relationship.

Playing on the Same Team

Do you play on the same team as your partner?

If you see your partner as being on your team, when you have a conflict it becomes a challenge for you to work to resolve (the conflict is outside the relationship).

If you see your partner as your opponent, then the conflict is you against your partner. The conflict then often becomes a war about winning rather than about resolution.

It is possible to create a relationship based on team playing where each partner is engaged in contribution to the other. Choosing to play consciously together as a team shifts the focus from individual needs to the larger needs of the relationship as a whole. When this happens, there is an increase in the intimacy, openness and love available.

On the individual level, when you are working with each other as opposed to working against each other you may discover that many aspects of your life will be elevated.

Final thought: Most couples are provided with the opportunity either to elevate each other's lives for the better or wreak havoc in each other's lives.

Honesty and Openness

It goes almost without saying that you need to be honest to have a good relationship. Sometimes people feel like they are being honest because they haven't told any outright lies, but at the same time they aren't being very open with sharing their feelings, vulnerability, or whatever else maybe happening inside them. For someone to have a chance to get really close to you, it is essential to allow them to get beyond your surface walls. This allows the relationship to connect on deeper and more intimate levels. It also means allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This is a very important point: be gentle to your partner when they are vulnerable. If you are mean or critical they will be much less likely to let you in again.

How Do You Create More Honesty and Openness in Your Relationship?

For starters, have the courage to be more open and honest yourself. From my personal